Thursday, 22 November 2007

Manic Depression, Jobs, Sleeping and Healing

Even though my doctor tells me that sleep is beneficial for the mind, I sometimes feel like I am not maintaining regular sleeping patterns. However, when responsibility kicks in I am forced to wake up early in the morning and stay awake till sunset. For this reason alone I am currently seeking employment. It is said that those affected by bipolar disorder must make sure that they sustain "sleep hygiene." When depression kicks in, we sleep for longer hours and this causes us to be late for work. I also use Seroquel which is a balancer and is used mostly to control mania.

Seroquel cures us of irregular sleeping patterns and helps us sleep normally with, more or less, no instances of dreams. I have had a few dreams while using Seroquel for a month now. However, I feel that when I want to change my sleeping patterns to normal, I have to be fairly responsible because lithium must be taken at the ends of long time intervals. Hence I make sure that I set my alarm to the correct time so that I don't die by accident. Nevertheless, I have come to realize that responsibility helps us function in normal everyday society.

Despite this breakthrough, I feel an immense weight on my shoulders that I will not be able to handle the pressure. When I am left alone at home I start to think about survival as there is no one to pick me up if I fall. I have to look after the entire house and my dog who has just had an operation. My dog needs all the caring he can get because he is depressed mainly because he now has a blue lampshade on his head to stop him from clawing at his scars. So I have to stroke him, feed him, make sure he goes for his walks and (guess what) make sure he takes his medications. When he goes for walks people either think he is an alien or they just laugh. So it must be so painful for him.

Despite all this tragedy, a company has made me an offer and I feel I cannot turn this down. At the moment I feel like I'm living like a vampire, where dawn is dusk and dusk is day. These are "easy days" for me many would argue. But I would reply "Yes these are easy days, but I am preparing for harder days." Now that I am being treated for my illness I need to enter the world outside with a fresh and clean mind. I need to continue my trips across the Bosphorus and strolls through the parks. For me, these are the hardest days of my life. I am pulled by this, that and the other. Nowadays a diploma is not good enough for getting a job because you need other diplomas and therefore you need more money. I don't want to complain too much about life because that's boring. But as I stated before I have my projects and I am optimistic about the future.

I have to continue with the medications and therapy with the hope that I will finally become independent. Indeed I may need to sleep now and then but I guess that's my way of healing. I believe that small moments of responsibility are small steps forward and that I shouldn't be attempting great leaps. As time progresses I will learn to overcome my fears of traditional society. I will always be different from the rest but then again everyone is different. I sometimes wonder whether I ever will find another habitat that I am comfortable in. Only time will tell.


ilker said...

Great post.. and cool new template! :)

Kramer said...

Thanks alot Ilker.